UP SHIT CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE
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HOW TO NAVIGATE SHIT CREEK
Tony Blair KG, invaded Iraq on false intelligence, and was Knighted for being a war criminal. The honours system appears to reward liars and cheats for keeping Mum. He should have been reported to the ICC, under the Genocide Convention.
Here are some helpful hints to help avoid an otherwise sticky situation.
"The economy's up shit creek."
2. Attempt to hail other boats. Many people get stuck up shit creek, and most of them won't have a paddle. Hopefully, someone brought a paddle or has a motor. If this is the case, hop onto their boat or have them tow you.
3. If nobody has a paddle (the most likely scenario) attempt to pry some loose timber off your boat. This can be slightly tricky, since you don't want to cause your boat to sink. Stick to boards located near the top of the boat, and the sides, do not touch anything on the deck.
4. Once you have a board, use this as a paddle substitute, it isn't the fastest method but more effective than drifting.
5. Paddle towards other boats, and recruit other rowers. Since nobody likes to be up shit creek, these people should be more than willing to help you paddle. Insist on using your boat, and once you have enough rowers, sit idly by and let others do your work.
6. (Optional) Resort to piracy, and plunder those in your path. Some people up shit creek are lawyers, bankers, and doctors. Seek these people out since they will have more money. Avoid the poorer looking people, since they are more apt to rob you. The booty must be distributed amongst your crew, a 50-50 split between you and the crew should be appropriate.
7. Once your boat exits shit creek immediately pray to whatever deity you worship. Only by the will of God/Allah/Buddha/Vishnu/Zeus/Posseidon/Thor/Shenron/Nightrider/Chuck Norris/Flying Spaghetti Monster/etc. did you escape.
- Don't agree to be in a Jamie Kennedy film no matter how much you are offered.
- Don't let yourself get stuck up shit creek without a paddle. Whether it's poor organization, a stressful life, or just forgetfulness, find the cause and fix it. Nobody wants to be up shit creek.
- Make friends. Since most people find themselves up shits creek more than once, it helps to get to know the regulars. Not only will their advice prove invaluable, idle chatter can help pass the time and stave off boredom.
- Avoid mutiny at all costs. You'd rather be up Shit Creek than in Shit Creek.
- Visit the Shits Creek Paddle Shop before you are caught without one.
WARNINGS
Beware of pirates. If you can read step 6, so can someone else. This may mean you are not the only pirate on shits creek, so form a large crew and be wary of the surroundings.
On the River Thames a boat overturned and nobody made it back to the banks of London, because the water was so polluted.
When David Walliams swam the Thames for charity, he caught a bug and was seriously ill.
WHAT IS A CREEK?
A creek is a small stream or a narrow, sheltered waterway, especially an inlet in a shoreline or channel in a marsh. "A sandy beach in a sheltered creek."
This is where the shit is distributed so that everyone gets hit with it.
You are in the shit, when you cannot find a way out of trouble.
ARE THEY SURE? - Southern Water say these are essential improvements. But are they? Many concerned residents are of the opinion that the village was already overloaded. Meaning that these works are more profiteering from over-development of the countryside. It's hot enough already without raising the temperature of planet earth more!
SOUTHERN WATER
The contractors for sewage disposal, is Southern Water. Of course they are used to dealing with shit. Shit is their bread and butter. They appear not to care about pumping shit from one location to another, despite the un-sustainability of such proposals. They just want their slice of the brown cake and to make sewage charges for another pooh palace. It's all about profits. We're not sure we'd want a piece of this pie!
LINKS & REFERENCE
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_feces https://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/shit-creek
MAY 2020 - Southern Water getting stuck into their shit pumping station in Herstmonceux, Sussex. Never mind water neutrality, and climate change. In the background you can see the windmill @ Windmill Hill, a listed monument to a sustainable age.
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